Love and vulnerability are two themes I’ve been exploring in my own self healing work. Deep down vulnerability is the one thing we all have in common. In order to fully open up to love we have to be and meet our own vulnerability.
I’m big on tapping into a network of resources to help me on my path and I’m forever researching and learning. Cate Mackenzie is a Love and Sex Coach, stand up comic and Artist. She has appeared on Channel 5, BBC 2, Sky, Psychologies Magazine, Harpers Bazaar, Radio 5 Live and Radio London among others. I was drawn to Cate because of the deep work she does with helping people to open up their hearts.
“You have to be a fool for love,” explains Cate. “If you keep staying open you’ll find you’ll attract someone into your life. You have to open your energy and vibration to love.
“There’s something really important about love and being a fool. Being a fool, being silly and having fun with romance and relationships.
“We often have this thing about being cool and guarded. It’s fair enough because people have been hurt, but the way back to a joyous life is by being vulnerable, being a fool and daring to take a risk. We may not get it right each time, but we learn so much when we do this.”
Looking for love
So what if you’re looking for love but not being successful?
“Often people say, ‘how comes everyone else has got a partner and not me?’As soon as you notice what you like then you can too. Start the journey by opening up, having fun and being foolish!”
I’ve been on my own fun adventure of late and it is helping me to live from a more joyous energy with spontaneous holidays, big doses of socialising with friends and trying new experiences.
“As soon as you have fun, you open your heart”, says Cate. “Fun is the key. I have people come to me because they’ve wanted a partner and we work with what will give them fun, be it singing, living in the countryside, dancing, painting or sport. That is the key to dating because if you’re having fun you’ll relax enough to dare to take the risk to date!”
Cate works with individuals and couples and groups around relationships with themselves, their partner and the relationship with the whole of their life.
Being single and having fun
“If a single person wants a partner, we look at the whole picture of their life and start to work on helping them to feel good and then get them to go into dating. We go on a journey of dating – meeting different people in different ways. It always includes what’s fun for them and they’re given practice. As they learn how to date it gets less and less scary and then they get used to it. Very often if they stay and commit to the process they will meet a partner.
“It’s not about age, what you look like or what your life is like; it’s about the willingness to be a fool. When someone takes the steps and says yes, I’m doing it, I absolutely know that the other person is there. Before that they might have wanted the universe to deliver without wanting to commit. It’s through their commitment that they make this shift and go into another dimension. It’s the same with couples when they decide they’re going make it work then magic happens.
A partner will show up
“A lot of people think I’ll create the fun when I get the partner, when actually it’s about creating the fun now and the partner will just show up because you’ll be having so much fun. When you are in this energy – like a little child, a partner shows up.”
Cate has been with her partner for 18 months. She met him following her own medicine after giving herself a three week holiday to dance, have fun and play. “I went to meet a friend for coffee and got chatting to a guy. The old Cate might have had a set diary and needed to go home and do lots of things. The new Cate was still in her adventures, exploring everything that came her way.
“We ended up spending the next 14 hours together. I met him in a place of play and he has continued to be this playmate. It wasn’t until I said I’m going to play for three weeks that I got him.”
Helping women
Cate’s sex therapy work helps women to go on a journey to explore their femininity, sexuality and body. The therapy gives them confidence around different aspects of sexuality and works through any issues. She helps women to discover what they want, how they want to treat their body and connect with their womb.
“Women can be afraid of showing their emotions in a relationship – they think they have to be nice all the time. Do you think their mother was nice all the time? No! It doesn’t mean being critical, nasty or moaning. I’m talking about real vulnerable, clear emotions that put a man in touch with his emotions.”
Cate’s work also goes wider than romantic relationships and includes working on family issues. “It’s all linked. Essentially we are our parents, or our carers and the people around us. When I work with someone, for them to open up and release, part of their journey might be to heal something with their parents. When we’re little our care givers are like God to us, so it’s good to have some kind of healing take place.”
Vulnerability and love
In relationships, you’ll start off as open and vulnerable, then experiences and pain show up and make you close down. We start off with the best of intentions to have an open heart and after a while the protective shells come back on.
“Most of us have experienced loss and when a new experience comes in the temptation is to think it is all going to go wrong and just close down. There is nothing wrong with protecting ourselves, but it is learning to allow yourself to open again.
“Sometimes yes, you will have to close off and this is also really important. Everything in the body pulsates – it opens and closes. Sometimes we might be all open (till someone hurts us) or all closed. It’s about learning to flow with the opening and closing. Being soft and vulnerable but being aware too, it takes practice.
“If you’re used to being closed to protect yourself you end up thinking it’s the best way to be. In fact an open muscle has more elasticity and we’re able to move away quicker when we’re relaxed and open. Being open and soft is quicker than if you’re closed and hard with no leverage.
“I spent a lot of time protecting myself so wouldn’t get hurt in the past. I’d stopped taking risks, being vulnerable and shut life down. This helped me to get into the work that I do now.
“It’s an ongoing process, but it gets easier to embrace myself fully. I want to be a total channel of love, living my life in service of love. I am letting go of any parts that can get in the way, any negative stuff can be washed away so I can live from my highest self.”
Top tips from Cate
Opening up to love
- Do daily practices that support, ground and open you to feel safe enough to dare to be vulnerable. For example do a short meditation, read, write a gratitude list, do ten minutes of exercise or dance.
- Draw a heart in the middle of a piece of paper to represent you. Write your dreams and wishes around it, like a mind map. Keep it next to your bed and look at what you want to create for yourself each day. Think about your deepest wishes and focus on your purpose. Each week you can create a different vision that brings you closer to your dreams. The art of repetition is powerful.
Living a joyous life to attract love
Good doses of fun will get the ball rolling again to open up. So have a think about what it is you really love – whether it’s playing with a child, being by the sea, dancing, going to a comedy night, game of footie or theatre.
You can find out more about Cate, including her artwork, comedy nights and workshops at www.catemackenzie.com.
Cate is running the Love Dome at the Mind Body Spirit London Festival on 23 to 26 May 2014. Visit www.mindbodyspirit.co.uk for more information.